I continue to jump through the hoops presented to be able to get unemployment payments even though I know I’m not going to get approved for them. I guess it gives me a focus for my feeling that I am ineffectual and at the whim of entities far bigger than myself. I know it is a losing battle but I continue to fight because giving up is the easy way and Lord Knows I’ve never been able to do anything in my life the easy way.
I am plagued by worry and self-doubt. I wonder if I will ever again make the grade and measure up. I wonder if all there is left for me is an unfulfilling succession of temp jobs where I will never be a part of the corporate culture, always on the fringes, the outside, looking in. At the same time I know that the conformity necessary for survival in the corporate culture just isn’t comfortable for me so maybe it’s better that I stop trying to be a part of things and just detach myself and get used to being a drifter.
I think back to every single job I’ve ever had and realize that never, not even once, have I been accepted as part of the group. I go back in my mind through my school years and realize that not even then was I a part of the social structure. Wondering if my failure to assimilate in those early years plagues me yet today and I just don’t know/understand the “language” of being “one of the gang”.
And if that’s the case, then I have… what? Another 45 or 50 years of being lonely and an outsider ahead of me. Another length of time equal to or greater than the expanse that I’ve lived already.
I’ve begun to realize that the only thing worse than being a one trick pony is being a one trick pony who can never master even that one trick…