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This has not been a great week for Ms. Cleo. Much drama. And a call from an agency that went really awry.

I got a call from an agency representative (allegedly, at least) and we had a little discussion about my experience and all seemed to be going as it usually does in these situations. And then things went… weird.

She told me that it was her professional opinion that I had been “grossly overpaid” for most of my jobs in the last decade and that I “must be a problem employee” whose employers keep me on “out of pity” because none of my recent contract work has lead to being hired on. I was informed that GOOD contract employees are ALWAYS found a job within the company they are contracting at and that she believes that I must be “a real piece of work” to have so many short-term positions. She is sure that I may have been TOLD that the contract ended but she’s pretty sure that they just got my sorry ass out the door and then hired someone who is intelligent and competent.

Yeah, so…. I don’t think that agency is going to be much help to me. I don’t know if this woman was having a lousy day and decided she needed to call someone she could be a bitch to or if maybe this is some insane Craigslist person who posted an ad and then called people who responded and claimed she is with an agency. Or maybe she once upon a time worked for the agency and is now on a campaign to make sure people don’t work with them. In any case, it is an agency I’d attempted to work with before and gotten treated hideously so I wouldn’t have been inclined to try again anyhow. But, yeah… this did NOT do wonders for my self-esteem.

How is YOUR week going?

So, got contacted by a headhunter who has a great job, that I can do, right up my alley, really decent pay and….. I can’t frakkin’ get there. It’s in a place not accessible by public transportation (but would be a not unreasonable drive).

This is so maddening/frustrating. And there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it. Without a job, I can’t get a new car nor can I afford to (I believe futilely) throw money at getting the old one fixed.

Grrrrr!

Nothing too exciting as the first day of the year comes to a close. Same shit, different decade.

Craigslist ads are a good source of entertainment but they are not proving a really good source of actual, legitimate jobs. Not that I am relying on Craigslist, mind you. I am just getting to the point where I am sortve scraping the bottom of the barrel looking for options.

Have some SERIOUS issues to iron out, though, my friends. And sooner rather than later. Where I am going to find the money to address the issues is another whole story but… we do what we have to do until we don’t have to do it anymore, right?

Hope y’all have a magnificent year. Hope that you got nice holiday bonuses or at least managed to avoid the latest Reduction In Force. I’ll let you know if/when I find something. I’m still sortve hoping Ross Perot needs a good Executive Ball Washer. I believe I have just the right soft cloth to buff those big bad boys to a blinding shine!

We all have a point at which we survey our situation and realize that we’ve pretty much hit bottom. True enough, I’m not giving wristies out behind the local 7-11 yet, but I am doing the cyberspace employment search equivalent and searching the Craigslist employment ads.

Generally speaking, there are two types of ads on Craigslist. The jobs that promise you can nap all day on company time for which they will pay you $50K/year or the jobs that want you to pretty much run the company AND scrub the owner’s balls (preferably with your tongue) for minimum wage.

I have come to believe that Craigslist job ads are some sort of Psych 101 test designed by a teaching assistant whose favorite prof has started buffing the undercarriage of a new TA whilst relentlessly teasing the TA who is being cast aside. That and it is a phisherperson’s paradise. “Hey, do you think if we tell the applicant that we need to run a “consumer report” that they’ll e-mail us a copy of their ID and Social Security Card?” (Yes, this has ACTUALLY HAPPENED. I responded to a job ad and they emailed back that they wanted to have a copy of my ID plus a copy of my Social Security card PLUS my banking information (for direct deposit, ya know).

I may have been born at night, but it wasn’t LAST night, honey and I didn’t fall on my head when I fell off the turnip truck.

Let’s face it, with a resume of career catastrophe’s like mine, I really need to find a place that I can stay a few years and at least have the appearance of being a “lifer” for some company. It would be really nice (and I know this is wholly unrealistic) if the place were not a holding pen for drama llamas and highschoolish cliques. And being paid more than tiny monies for the privilege of tonguewashing someone’s balls would be a super bonus.

I’ll be honest with you… Ms. Cleo is getting damn tired of the whole job hunting thing. I spend enough time on the computer that wristies behind the 7-11 is only going to hasten the inevitable carpal tunnel and I refuse to do hummers on unwrapped candy canes because most dudes do not find the safety goggles to prevent bodily fluids being liberated into my eyes a real sexy look (although, Rule 34 does apply and some guys dig that look).

Thinkin’ it is likely time for bed.

As tempting as it is to completely “BAH HUMBUG” this holiday season, I am going to share a little something that made my holiday season brighter.

Have yourselves a Happy Holiday Season. I’m gonna kick back and have some ‘nog. I’ll hit the boards again on Monday.

Today was an interesting day.

Recruiter #1 calls. Has a $tiny monies an hour job (she sent me the job description… the scope of the work they want done is a $tiny monies + 5-$tiny monies + 7 an hour job, minimum). I tell her I’m not really interested. I hang up. I panic. Because $tiny monies an hour is $tinymonies an hour more than I’m making. But it’s a contract. 6 months. 45 minute drive away. But, $tiny monies an hour is $tiny monies an hour more than I’m making. I call back. I talk her up to $tiny monies +2 an hour (grudgingly, but it’s still a pretty substantial pay cut and I haven’t worked for so little since 2002). I’m willing to bet the employer is going to tell her I’m not worth it.

Moving on… Recruiter #2 calls. She got my resume from a colleague. For the life of me, I can’t remember if recruiter #2 even told me her name (bad sign). Recruiter #2 has a job that actually pays decently. Still in the same far away location but it’d be a “real” job. And then the “zingers” came at me… “Well, I’m a little concerned that none of the places you’ve done contract work have wanted to bring you onboard….” I was hired to cover specific workloads. Once the overwhelming deluge of work was done, they didn’t need the extra help anymore. There was never even the HINT that there would be something more for me at these jobs. And then she mentioned something about possibly interviewing tomorrow and I asked to know if that was a sure thing because I’d make sure to have the vehicle tomorrow and out comes “Oh, so you’re going to have transportation issues…?” No. No transportation issues. For the five years that my situation has been what it is, I’ve never had transportation issues.

She promised to call and let me know by 4:00PM. No call and it’s now WAAAY past 4PM. Nonetheless, I have made arrangements to have the vehicle at my disposal. So when she calls at the last minute, my happy ass will be prepared and RecruiterLady will be all surprised.

I’ve played this game, lady. I’m sure I’ll play it again. But, I’m very good at it. I’ll cover my bases, you make your move. But don’t for a minute think that I am not aware of what you’re doing. What I can’t figure out is WHY you’re doing it.

I am, at this point, sortve betting that I won’t hear from her again. I won’t be surprised. Why do I say that? The person she got my resume from promised to get back to me in the next day or two over two weeks ago. I finally ended up emailing him and getting told that the hiring company had decided to interview other people. Well, dandy… could you have taken 3 minutes and sent me an email saying “they don’t want you”? Why, oh why, is that so hard?

In any case… I’ve got my game face on…so let’s rumble!

I was recently discussing with someone who is fortunate enough to not need to bother with things like the job market that the “new thing” for employers is that even if you will never handle a dime of their money, they make you sign a waiver so that they can pull your credit report. Allegedly, if you are a deadbeat who can’t pay your bills, you won’t make a good employee. Which I don’t understand because if someone gets laid off from their job unexpectedly and therefore has no income and can’t pay their bills while they are desperately scrambling to become re-employed and then they happen to get behind on their payments (as is wont to happen when one has no income) then I would think that the defaulted credit would mean that the person would be motivated to get a job and make a good salary so that they can get things back on track. (And I realize that thinking that way is precisely why I have zero management potential).

Anyhow, the person couldn’t believe that employers are doing that and I had to interject that with the market the way it is right now, an employer could say “I have a job for the first two people who will submit to a full body cavity search and a genital piercing of my whim” and people would be lined up for a mile AND bring their own latex gloves and dull, rusty needle for the piercing. And they would SMILE while Mr. Employer was elbow deep in their orifices and jabbing them with pointy metal objects and BEG for the opportunity to buff his balls to a deep shine.

Not only do they do credit checking but they do “comprehensive background checks” which include calling up your second grade teacher to inquire as to whether you ever kicked your nasty paste-eating habit, your clergyperson to find out how your church attendance has been for the last two decades and your drycleaner to make sure you never bring in clothing with questionable stains. There is also the drug screen, criminal background check and the unrelenting search for someone (usually an in-law fits the bill here) who will say you are a layabout who will never amount to anything and that’s when you’re not drunk by noon and jacked up on Mountain Dew, hookers and blow.

Whatever it is that it takes to get a job these days (the ability to suck start a Harley and modeling your Vicky’s Secret lingerie whilst bent over an office copier probably doesn’t hurt) I sure as hell don’t seem to have it. I’d be willing to invest in a wonderbra and a set of kneepads if I thought it would help but it would be my luck to start getting interviews with cougars who haven’t gotten desperate enough to consider batting for the other team once I made the investment.

Sending good vibes to all my fellow job seekers. That way you’ll have goofy smiles on your faces and I’ll sneak in and nab the jobs! (I jest) Take care in these crazy times!

There comes a point after you’ve filled out dozens of applications, sent out hundreds of resumes, joined forums and networked your sweet ass off only to turn up with bupkiss that you start to wonder if there isn’t some sadistic asshat out there who just makes up job descriptions and posts them on job boards to see how many desperate suckers he can get to apply for the nonexistent job. That point came for me tonight after I filled out application number six for a “company confidential” posting. The only response I’ve gotten at all this week was from a guy who, honestly, sounds like what he wants is a “fence”. The “job” would entail making purchases and then “using his personal UPS account” shipping said purchases to him.

First, I am not fronting money for “purchases” for someone I work for (with one exception and that’s because I’ve worked with him long enough to know I can trust him). Because when I’ve done that in the past, even if I had a receipt there was always some “technicality” that kept me from being reimbursed or they did the bullshit thing of adding it to my paycheck so I had to pay taxes on the money when I’d already PAID taxes on the money, plus sales tax when I purchased the item and so ended up taking a loss. Not cool. (For me… very cool for the employer who gets his “stuff” plus manages to stiff me even if he does “reimburse” me for the purchase).

Second, I am not going to jail for the ethical failings of an employer. I’ve been in a position where I worked for someone who was shadier than the underside of a boulder and got fed the bullshit line that when you’re on the clock you have to do whatever your employer tells you to do whether it is moral or ethical because s/he signs your paycheck. For chrissakes, there are people who work check-out at Target who won’t lay a finger on a pork product, which is probably in at least a third of the orders that they ring up so don’t tell me that because I’m on the clock I’ve gotta be doing things that I am morally opposed to (and these are things that I think any REASONABLE person would find offensive).

And maybe that’s the problem. I now have ethical standards and don’t tolerate bullshit. There are things I will turn a blind eye to now and then because I know that there are gray areas (like letting the co-worker who is occasionally 5 minutes late because she’s got one vehicle, three kids in three different schools, a daycare kid and a husband to drop off in the morning…) slide under the boss’s radar by saying I thought I saw her when the boss checks in with me in the morning. Strictly speaking, she owes the employer that 5 minutes. Realistically, she works through lunch 3 days a week and doesn’t put in for overtime so nobody is getting hurt by that five minutes in the morning.

I’m not trying to espouse that I am morally perfect, either. I’m not. I do try to behave ethically. I make judgment calls about what’s ok and what isn’t. We all do. Which has nothing to do with whether there is a sadist out there making up and posting job descriptions for his/her amusement. I’ve gotta believe that 99% of all Craigslist job ads are phishing schemes. And the fact that I’m now making damn little sense tells me that I had best be off to bed to ponder the big questions later on.

Goodnight for now.

Most people figure if they live in the United States that the native language is English. This, however, just is not the case in some places. Such is the state of things where I am living at the moment. I don’t speak the same language as 98% of the folks who live in my neighborhood and they, quite frankly, are not going to stop speaking in their native tongue to accommodate me. This means that I need to get with the program and learn the language that so many people here speak or I will continue to miss out on a great many jobs because I am not bilingual.

It’s not easy to learn a new language, much less become fluent in that language. Yet, there really seems to be no other option for me. It is a professional liability even worse than not having a degree and I am sure that the no degree + doesn’t speak the Native Tongue is a double whammy of “do not hire” that is not helping me in the local market.

I am pretty sure that there are other cultural differences that are proving to be a hindrance to landing employment. I am feeling that there is something that I am really missing that is relaly obvious to the people who are interviewing me and no one has felt the need to let me in on what it is.

But the market being what it is right now, employers can pick and choose. There are hundreds of applicants for every opening. It’s a buyer’s market and I need to upgrade in order to be a more attractive commodity. So, I am working on what I can most easily change and trying to cram a new language into my brain.

The things we do in pursuit of a paycheck… crazy, huh?