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I continue to jump through the hoops presented to be able to get unemployment payments even though I know I’m not going to get approved for them. I guess it gives me a focus for my feeling that I am ineffectual and at the whim of entities far bigger than myself. I know it is a losing battle but I continue to fight because giving up is the easy way and Lord Knows I’ve never been able to do anything in my life the easy way.

I am plagued by worry and self-doubt. I wonder if I will ever again make the grade and measure up. I wonder if all there is left for me is an unfulfilling succession of temp jobs where I will never be a part of the corporate culture, always on the fringes, the outside, looking in. At the same time I know that the conformity necessary for survival in the corporate culture just isn’t comfortable for me so maybe it’s better that I stop trying to be a part of things and just detach myself and get used to being a drifter.

I think back to every single job I’ve ever had and realize that never, not even once, have I been accepted as part of the group. I go back in my mind through my school years and realize that not even then was I a part of the social structure. Wondering if my failure to assimilate in those early years plagues me yet today and I just don’t know/understand the “language” of being “one of the gang”.

And if that’s the case, then I have… what? Another 45 or 50 years of being lonely and an outsider ahead of me. Another length of time equal to or greater than the expanse that I’ve lived already.

I’ve begun to realize that the only thing worse than being a one trick pony is being a one trick pony who can never master even that one trick…

It’s been a week since I was de-jobbed. I’d love to be telling you that I’ve found something new and all is well, but I can’t do that.

In fact, things are pretty much more grim than they’ve ever been. Because, you see, I am not eligible for unemployment.

State I live in now says “You haven’t worked here long enough to qualify for unemployment here, go apply for benefits from State you used to live in…”

State I used to live in says “You don’t live here anymore AND you left of your own free will, bugger off, there will be no benefits for you!”

Agency I’d been working for has nothing.

I did have an interview on Monday that I felt went well, but they won’t be making a decision until tomorrow (after having interviewed candidates all week) so I doubt that they’ll even remember me. Which is sad, because I think I would have been a really good fit for the job.

But I’m looking. And applying. And even though I know it is pointless, I filled out the stuff to apply for unemployment in State I used to live in. Because maybe in OCTOBER, when I will be eligible to apply for unemployment in the State I now live in, it will make a difference. I hate bureaucracy BS.

So… at one week, that’s where things stand.

So, there I was at work today, minding my own business, when I get an URGENT email from my agency lady. “YOU MUST CALL ME RIGHT AWAY” it said. And so, I did. To be told that today would be my last day at this assignment. No reason given (I asked and was told that they were simply told that the person on maternity leave had come back and they no longer needed me).

So, ok. At least it was an “Honourable Discharge” and they didn’t try to make up some BS. But a Thursday? That’s different.

This all took place about 10:15AM. Noontime rolls around and the “ladies” in my department order lunch. Without a WORD to me. Hello… I am sitting RIGHT HERE and you are acting as if I am not… NOW who’s rude?

Anyhow, I was a professional, worked through the day. Around 2:30, I tried to log into a program on my computer and couldn’t. I tried another one… no go… I went through everything and couldn’t even get on the internet FFS. I mention this to bosslady who tells me “call the Helpdesk”. So, I call the helpdesk who tells me that they got orders to IMMEDIATELY shut me down.

So, I called agency lady. Told her I had TRIED to work the day and was locked out of everything that makes doing my job possible. She told me to pack anything that I had and leave. So, I did. I packed up what little I had (including the office supplies that I had purchased with my own money), powered down the laptop, picked up my bag and left. Without a word to anyone. And that, she said, is the end of that.

I am hoping to become re-employed quickly and that it will be sincerely less dramatic.

I know as I get older that more and more I will be working with/for people who are younger than I am. But I was hoping that at some point I’d get to work with people who were MATURE.

I’m not sure exactly what’s up at work. Last week, they all prepared to go out to lunch together and leave me behind. Again. And, well, I have to admit that I may have snapped a little bit. And then they all scurried off, had a secret meeting and decided that they’d just *sigh* stay in the office. By that time, I was pretty much over it. But it’s been one big festival of dysfunction since then. I say “Good Morning” and get met with stony silence. I ask questions… stony silence. The only time I am spoken to at all is when I get an attitude thrown my way over something, real or imagined that they think I’ve done wrong. And all of the things I’ve actually done wrong? Yeah… stuff I was never told about so had no way of knowing it was wrong.

I’m not sure if it was Monday or yesterday that near the end of the day, the rest of the dept. was told to go to the conference room. They came back somber and sullen. I am wondering if this relates to one of the gals having been EXTRA dressed up a few days in the last couple weeks. (Like, dressed to interview dressed up).

For a little while, I had been included in things… I thought I was making progress. Now… yeah…the Silent Treatment, whispering, scurrying off to the conference room or the boss’s office. Honestly, if that counter makes it to 120, I’ll be exceedingly surprised.

My agency rep has been on my back to do something that I think is a bad idea. Stony silence from her today, as well.

Wake me when the working world grows up a bit, will you? All of this dealing with dysfunction has made me TIRED.

Dear Folks I Currently Work For,

Listen, I just want you to know that I know that you’re not planning on offering me a position. I want you to know I know because then maybe you can stop pussyfooting around when you’re near me in the office.

Feel free to speak freely about my replacement. I would prefer that to the whispering that happens now.

Today, when someone asked if his support team was “set in stone” and you practically screamed “NO! Oh no! No, no… not set in stone” did you think I wasn’t going to notice that?

If it’ll make you feel better, I’ll just nod my head to any plausible lie you want to tell me to make me feel better about the situation. But, DO NOT, at the end of the 6 months of my contract, try to feed me some bullshit about how I just didn’t work hard enough.

I’ve known from Week 3, when you told me that I was on borrowed time, that this was not going to be something permanent. I thank you for the afterthought courtesy interview.

But please, people, can we cut the crap? It’ll make the whole experience better for everyone.

Thanks,
MsCleanslate

Soooo… Monday at work I was introduced as the temp who was around til the tranferring employee and 2 people they’d made offers to came onboard…

Imagine my surprise today when I found out that there’s a hiring freeze and that they can’t even bring the people they’d made offers to onboard. Which means… they’re stuck with me…

Which would be interesting enough. But… there is now the fact that tomorrow evening, I have a phone interview for a different job with a different company for a job that is really so much more “me”. Or at least would be more in line with the skills I prefer using.

And I can only imagine how upset they’ll be where I am temping now (and they never miss an opportunity to remind me that I am JustATemp) if I get this other job and tell them that I’m leaving.

But, they never made me an offer… all they did was make some lame promise to think about maybe extending my contract or MAYBE offering me a job. So, I’m a little “If-you-liked-it-shoulda-offered-me-a-paycheck” (think Beyonce’s “Single Ladies”)

Will be interesting to see if anything comes of this latest recruiter contact… Wish me luck!

I did get an “interview” for the job I am currently doing (in hopes of getting hired as a “regular” employee, since there are three openings). As I suspected, they are not going to buy out my contract but did say they may extend my contract or consider possibly hiring me. So… there are three open positions, they will be hiring 2 people and I am, I guess, a placeholder who MAY get hired or may be a perpetual contractor. ::SIGH::

At this point, I am not holding my breath. Whatever happens will happen.

They did, however, have me move over to the area the rest of the team works in (since there is now an open cubicle)

That’s all I know at this point. (That they like me enough to evaluate me for an unspecified amount of time to determine if they might, possibly, at some unspecified future time hire me… )

I’m going to make a prediction, though…

Right now, I am the only person with my title. There used to be FOUR of us with this title. It’ll be 2-3 weeks before the other people start. I am not fully trained on everything that the job entails. Two of the three people who left the position are gone. As in, physically not even in the building anymore. The other is working in her new capacity.

That means, if collections don’t meet goal, if billing isn’t done, if anything that is part of this position isn’t done in the month of July, *I* and I alone will be to blame. Management will hold ME responsible.

So, for AT LEAST the next month, I will be doing the work of 4 people. I am not accruing any vacation, I am not accruing any sick time, I am working with NO BENEFITS WHATSOEVER, including having ABSOLUTELY ZERO paid time off. When, in 90 days, Management reviews my performance, do you want to take any bets as to whether the fact that the work of 4 people was dumped on one person who was largely untrained will be taken into account? I am going to state for the record that unless I put in a helluva lot of unpaid overtime (which will then set the bar so that I can never stop doing that), I have no hope of succeeding and keeping this job.

Is it, then, any wonder that I am still responding to people who contact me about job openings? It isn’t as if I am actively seeking a job and following up on leads and sending out my resume, I am simply responding to inquiries I get. And I KNOW that they’d be mad at me if they knew I was doing this, but they’re getting all of the benefit out of this and I am getting…. ummm… evaluated for an unspecified amount of time to determine if they might, possibly, at some unspecified future time hire me…or just terminate my contract after having worked me like a dog for three months.

I know what I suspect the outcome will be. We shall see how things play out.

I met with The Borg today. I was GRILLED for an hour. Why, when it CLEARLY STATES on my resume that I have been working contract positions does everyone ask me why I can’t hold a job for more than a few months? Listen people, I had two contracts EXTENDED. I was rehired by one agency for a second contract position. But because I haven’t had a job for 3-5 years with one company (due to contract work, downsizing, companies going out of business, management decisions to cut a position to part-time when I need full-time work…) I’m somehow not worthy of a good opportunity (which is, itself, a short-term contract… so why the concern about whether I’m in it for the long haul)?

My heart wants to believe I got the job. My gut says there’s no f**king way I got the job. But then I go back to “why would you spend an hour with someone you aren’t going to hire”? Because I have had the 8-12 minute interview when the moment the interviewer saw me s/he knew that there was no job offer forthcoming but it’s rude (I guess) to say “there’s no point to conducting the interview, I’ve decided that since you are not built like/don’t look like Malibu Barbie I am completely uninterested…” But they do a cursory interview as if I am going to walk into their office, drop to my knees and give them a hummer that will convince them that I have the necessary “skills” to perform the job satisfactorily. ::SIGH::

And so… now… I wait.

Tuesday, I was contacted by an agency who has a job available working for the Borg. I’ve done contract work for the Borg before and this job is a piece o’ cake comparatively. Plus, it’s NOT working with the lovely (term used sarcastically) group of folks I work with at the moment. So, of course, I jumped on the opportunity.

Wednesday, I went and met with the agency rep. I am cautiously optimistic after the meeting. I could do the job without a problem. Now I just have to get in to meet with the Borg to convince them that I could do the job.

I am nervous. I am anxious. I could actually make a good living again.

So…now I wait. Again.