What was I thinking?

Did you ever have a situation where a job came along and you thought “Hey, I could do that” so you send your application and have an interview and get hired and then things go terribly, terribly wrong, you fail miserably and then think to yourself….

a) What the hell just happened?
b) What the hell was I thinking?

No? Never? It’s just me…. ok… I can accept that. Fortunately, all of this took place in a virtual world so it isn’t like my real resume has yet another shitstain on it. But it was not a pretty thing and I wouldn’t wish what happened to me on anyone (perhaps because I’m too nice) and I feel very deeply sorry for the next person they recruit to do the job because it is a lost cause. When you can’t even get pixel people to behave, there’s an issue.

I did discover some things about myself through this experience, though.

1. While I am a very tolerant person, I have little tolerance for “stupid” or “lazy”. Both were abundant in this situation.

2. I see no reason to stick around when my staff is not even TRYING to talk to me about issues but instead is going to Upper Management. I mean, it’s one thing if they say they couldn’t get in touch with me but I was not only ONLINE, I was standing RIGHT THERE within inches of them and didn’t even get asked about the issue. Not cool.

3. Once I’ve been made to look like a fool, my heart is no longer in the job. I am then just marking time until I can leave.

4. I expect more from myself than I do from other people. I feel bad when things don’t work out.

5. With #4 being said, I do have a limit as far as how far I will be pushed by an authority figure to give them the answer they want. If you want me to say the words I quit and keep prodding me to actually SAY “I QUIT”, I will not give you the satisfaction of hearing me utter those words. It’s like a former boss of mine who tried to push me into saying he was right when every fiber of my being did not agree with him. All he wanted me to say was “I agree” and I would NOT do it. Yelling at me did not make me want to say it any more, in fact, it made me want to hang up the phone, walk out the door and never look back.

Good Lord…. what was I thinking??

Dear Former Co-Worker,

Ok… So I know you read my blog. You really need to examine why it is that you feel threatened by the fact I know you read my blog. Seriously. Get over yourself. Think about it… what in the Hell am I going to do to you? Do you REALLY need to hide on Facebook now?

I’m over the fact that you got hired and I didn’t. You had the right stuff. I didn’t. It was a business decision. Congratulations. You have a college degree. I’m happy that you could afford to go to college. Hooray for you!

I feel like an idiot now for feeling you were sincere in your well-wishes when I let you in on the fact that my last day was my last day. You really had me fooled. But this sort of thing is exactly why I didn’t want anyone to know. Because I knew people would say things they didn’t really mean. Like you did.

You’ve got a good job. You’re respected in the community. You are a Native. I’m an outsider who can’t get a job. Do you REALLY think that I would even TRY to do something malicious to you? Well, don’t worry. Don’t worry one iota because up until now, I actually respected you. I thought it was awesome that you didn’t care what the company we worked for told me very pointedly we were NOT to do and you just went after it, damn the consequences and it worked out well for you.

Don’t worry… I won’t embarrass you when you’re walking with your family down by the river and pass by my van. I won’t offer you any government cheese. I won’t panhandle from your kids.

Hate and Pinches,
MsCleanslate

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